Written 30 January, 2007
II. Me and Sweetie
I love Sweetie.
At my deepest levels I love her and I want what is best for her, whether or not that includes me.
That’s why my horse, unlike the horses of some I could name, is white.
I hope Sweetie’s future does include me, of course. Desperately. But I will suck it up if it doesn’t.
I really want what is best for her.
That’s why in my about-a-month-ago post “Sweetie’s Suitor” I indicated I was willing to bow out for Martin. I thought he might care, or come to care, about her as I do.
That was what led to the entire “Chey’s Breakdown” sequence.
I now know there’s no chance that Martin either loves her or wants what is best for her. So now I’m actively hoping he will play no part in her RL future. I would love for her to get the work he’s dangling in front of her nose, but I’m certain he means her no good, so now I’m rooting against him. I won’t bow out for a cad and a bounder.
I’m not an insecure person. My nervousness about Martin’s wooing of Sweetie doesn’t come from any distrust of her or even from jealousy (much). I’ve held my peace for a long time because I needed to work things through. Now I have.
I love Sweetie and I trust her and I believe what she tells me of her times with Martin. Some might think me a fool for believing in her and trusting in her, but I’m not a fool. I just know my sweetie.
This is my Sweetie:
* She’s a strong and sophisticated and talented woman with a wicked sense of humor and an appreciation of the absurd that perfectly mirrors mine.
* She, like all of us, is working through some issues in her first life.
* She is a considerate and caring friend.
* She is a wonderful lover.
* She loves me and is coming to love me more as she learns more about me.
* She is open and friendly in her Second Life encounters with gnubies.
* She sees the best in people.
* She has a big heart.
* She is ambitious in regard to her first life and interested in building her career.
As part of her healing, Sweetie is reaching out in SL. I’m part of that healing.
She may eventually desire to have a nonexclusive relationship in SL, or start a RL relationship with someone who has never heard of Second Life, or something may come between us that leads to a breakup. But we will always be friends. Whatever may happen, I will always admire and respect and love her and wish the best for her. And I will never, ever give her reason to doubt or mistrust or despise me.
I love Sweetie, unconditionally and regardless.
Me and Sweetie
When Sweetie needs a shoulder to cry on, I am happy to provide one. And in this she reciprocates. I’ve had some hard times in SL, and she has been a marvelous solace, a soft and cuddly respite from whatever ails me in my first life, or my second.
When she wants to shop, I am happy to shop. When she wants to build, I am happy to build. When she wants to cuddle, I am happy to cuddle. And when she wants to...
When Sweetie needs assistance, I will offer it, and if she wants, I will give it—but I don’t take over her projects or intrude more than is necessary. I managed—even if it was more by trial-and-error than by brilliance—to get functioning the windows texture change script that had been driving her batty for more than a week—I stopped as soon as I made it work. I didn’t even clean up my sloppy work. I merely gave her what she asked for, and no more.
I will not stifle Sweetie, for that is one thing she does not need. It’s part of her healing process. As much as I may want to rush in and make things better, I restrain myself. It’s sometimes not an easy thing to do, and in my life, there have been times when I couldn’t resist. With Sweetie, I have managed to resist.
I never run out of things to talk about with Sweetie. We can and do go on for hours, usually long after we both should have been in bed. Thank goodness we both live in the same time zone.
I never cease to be amazed by Sweetie: by the way her avatar catches the reflection of the firelight or how endearing she looks when she has taken off her shoes but forgotten to remove her shoe base, certainly, but more by her determination, her good judgment, her passions for Cheyenne and for life, her weak and moody moments, her occasional insecurities, her brilliant building and texturing. With Sweetie, it just gets better and better.
One of the things that impresses me most about Sweetie is that she has a clear sense of boundaries. She sets and enforces them, but is constantly re-evaluating and revising them. That’s so healthy.
I so dearly love her.
I like to believe I behaved with decency and patience and respect with regard to Sweetie’s former relationship with the-man-who-shall-remain-nameless-in-this-blog. I certainly kept my feelings to myself until he was a thing of the past.
I’ve not been so perfect with regard to Martin.
First, I had my little breakdown (previously blogged) when I realized he was pursuing her.
Second, when I beat him to solving the windows code (we were working side by side, and it wasn’t a competition, although I rather thought of it as one and I know he did too; he’s a guy, after all) I sent Sweetie a “Yadayadaya, I be-eat Martin” IM. That was childish.
And so much fun.
And finally, I’ve been moody at times when Martin is around or has been around Sweetie, and even when I know he has IMed. At times I’ve spilled this moodiness over into Chey’s behavior. She just becomes untalkative for a time.
And I’ve asked Sweetie too frequently about what is happening with regard to Martin.
That’s not good. I’m working on it.
I realize that what Sweetie and Martin do or don’t do is none of my business. I’m not perfect, and I will continue to have insecurities with regard to Martin, but I’ll continue to be polite to him and I will not hold his pursuit of Sweetie against her.
Or such is my goal.
There’s only one thing Sweetie did with regard to Martin—or, rather, didn’t do—that bothered me.
And I knew she had her reasons, for I had already revealed to her my feelings about Martin.
Sweetie had told me she might visit Martin, and she told me she was going into New York City, but she didn’t tell me until afterward that she had gone there for a job interview with Martin and his offices there.
To her credit, she told me afterward—but she didn’t specifically tell me beforehand that she would be meeting him that day.
I’m sure she just wished to spare my feelings. And I had given her reason to do so.
And above all, she owes me nothing. She is free to do as she pleases.
It just bothered me a little, that’s all. And it was a while ago, so no worries.
No one is perfect.