Chey's Breakdown, Prescript

Written 9 January, 2007

Chey's Breakdown

Prescript

I am such an equable person.

My emotional waters are almost always calm and serene. I take life’s little disasters and inconveniences in stride. I only rarely get perturbed. My usual mood is one of happy amusement.

But I had a little breakdown on Friday the fifth. That’s when I wrote the four pieces which follow.

I assure you, I’m fine. I’m not about to commit SecondLifeacide.

I wrote them while I was emotionally crashing and burning.

I was weeping the whole while.

But I’m better now. Really.

I think it was the “Sweetie’s Suitor” piece that triggered my little breakdown.

You see, I’m very much in love with Sweetie. Devastatingly in love with her. Horribly, achily in love with her.

And it’s not just the avatar I love. I love the whole person.

Both Sweetie and I are unattached in RL. That’s not the problem.

I’m not even sure what all the problems are, but I know there’s an age difference.

And the geographical distance.

And the whole gender thing, of course.

But I can say that otherwise it’s perfect.

What triggered me on Friday was about me. It really had nothing at all to do with Sweetie.

To explain, I must tell you something about myself.

I’m not a prude about this. It’s just the way I’m built.

I find casual sex unfulfilling. I’ve had it, and it has never failed to be unrewarding and far more trouble that it’s worth.

To be really attracted to a person I have to know them intimately. I have to learn and like the way their mind works, who they really are. And sometimes—rarely—I just go over.

And then I love them.

And then I want to have sex with them, and I want to do it a LOT.

Falling in love is a rare occurrence for me. I’ve found someone I feel this way about only twice in my lifetime. The first time didn’t work out.

This is the second time. And it may not work out either.

And that is what I was crying about on Friday.

When I wrote the four blog entries that follow.