Written 11 May, 2007
The United States of America vs. Sweetie
III: Cheyenne Takes the Stand
We bring you now excerpts from the official transcript of Sweetie’s trial. I have removed the background chatter, which I will later reproduce in part.
It’s not possible to print the whole thing, for the printed record weighed in at 10,500 pages—each page a separate object. You should see my inventory! Its size doubled overnight!
Bailiff Merlin: hearyehearyehearyethecourtof thesecondlifedistrictcourtoftheunitedstatesofamericanow convenesallriseforjudgecamper! (Whereupon every avatar present flies up to the ceiling.)
Judge Camper: You may sit down (whereupon there is a big scramble for seats).
Bailiff Merlin: thefirstcaseistheunitedstatesofamerica vssweetienolastnameyourhonor.
Judge Camper: Who is representing the United States?
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: I am, Your Honor.
(Court Reporter's Private Note: And what a bitch she was! And a diva, too!)
Judge Camper: And who is representing Sweetie no last name?
Liberalcause Sharpton: I am, Your Honor. (Boos from the audience)
(Commotion ensures in the courtroom as Sweetie nolastname leaps to her feet, or maybe because the audience realizes the judge’s gavel is stuck up his bum).
Sweetie: I’m representing myself, Your Highness! Woo hoo! Arf! Arf!
District Court Judge Camping Chair: You have just earned $2L for sitting in the camping chair for ten minutes. You have now earned $2L. Be sure to spend your Lindens at the District Court Casino.
Sweetie: Is it possible to mute that thing?
Judge Camper: Sorry, no, the record must be complete, and I really want to be sure those Lindens are accruing. So you wish to represent yourself, Defendant Sweetie no last name?
Sweetie: Yes, I do, with Cheyenne Palisades as my co-counsel. And just call me Sweetie. No need to use my no last name.
Liberalcause Sharpton: I object! Ms. Palisades is not a member of the bar.
Cheyenne Palisades: I own a bar, Counselor Sharpton, as you well know. And many is the morning I’ve found you passed out under the lap dance table.
Liberalcause Sharpton: I withdraw my objection. And I withdraw from this case (gives Sweetie a dirty look).
Judge Camper: Let us proceed, then. Counselor Bartlett, is the United States of America ready to present its case?
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: It is, Your Honor. I call to the witness stand Ms. Cheyenne Palisades.
Sweetie: Objection, Your Honor! Ms. Palisades is my co-counsel and that makes my communications with her a matter of attorney-client privilege.
Judge Camper: The witness will not reveal any details of chat, instant message, notecards, or real-life communications with Ms. Sweetie.
Bailiff Merlin: doyoupromisetotellthetruththewholeturth andnothingbutthetruthsohelpyoulinden?
Cheyenne Palisades: I do.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Ms. Palisades, where were you on the night of 10 May at 8 pm?
Cheyenne Palisades: I was at work. Real life.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Ms. Palisades, your Second Life record shows you were on Pele at 8 pm on the 10th.
Cheyenne Palisades: Oh, of course you mean Linden time. I get confused.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: I’m sure you do (this with a smirk). Ms. Palisades, did you witness the arrival of agents of the Teleportation Security Authority?
Cheyenne Palisades: I did not. I was on the Soul Intentions pose ball with Sweetie and I didn’t become aware of them until they were all around us and laughing and calling us lesbians.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: What then happened?
Cheyenne Palisades: Oh, the animation is wonderful! You sure you want the details? It’s explicit.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: No, no! What happened between the Defendant and the TSA agents?
Cheyenne Palisades: I’m of course not privy to any IMs she may have had with them, but in Chat they told her she was under arrest.
District Court Judge Camping Chair: You have just earned $2L for sitting in the camping chair for ten minutes. You have now earned $4L. Be sure to spend your Lindens at the District Court Casino.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And did they charge her with a crime?
Cheyenne Palisades: Yes, they did
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Well?
Cheyenne Palisades: Well what?
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Cheyenne Palisades: There’s no need for that. I answered your question.
Judge Camper: Please read back the transcript. /1 replllay
Outy Banjo’s Nifty Recording Script: …
Judge Camper: /1 replay
Judge Camper: Damn keyboard.
Outy Banjo’s Nifty Recording Script: And did they charge her with a crime? / Yes, they did. / Well? / Well What?
Judge Camper: /1 endddd
Judge Camper: /1 end
Judge Camper: It seems Ms. Palisades did answer your question, Counselor. You may not treat her as hostile. How could such a cute little gal be hostile, anyway?
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Ms. Palisades, what was the charge?
Cheyenne Palisades: Charges. Bogus charges, I might add.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: What were the charges?
Cheyenne Palisades: Possession of huge prims. One charge for each prim type. I want you to know I caged the team leader and buried the cage with him inside it 20 meters under the ground and they didn’t charge me. It was sooo dishonest!
Judge Camper: Please limit your answer to the questions asked of you, Ms. Palisades.
Cheyenne Palisades: Yes, Your Honor. The huge prim charges have since been dropped, as you know. My Sweetie is now charged with Subversion. Treason. Aid to the Enemy. Terroristic Plots. George-W. Bush-designated Enemy Combatant, and repeated violations of the Terms of Service. And unauthorized texturing. That one is serious. But of course they didn’t mention any of that that night. They just charged her for the huge prims. TSA bastards!
Judge Camper: Ms. Palisades!
Cheyenne Palisades: Sorry, You Honor.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And what was Sweetie’s reaction?
Cheyenne Palisades: To being nabbed? She pulled her samurai sword and chopped off a couple of heads before they stunned her.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: So she resisted arrest?
Cheyenne Palisades: They stunned her by dropping their pants.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: She resisted arrest?
Cheyenne Palisades: Their uh, badges of honor were all imprinted with her image, from a surveillance photo, I guess. It was disgusting.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Your Honor!
Judge Camper: Answer the question, Ms. Palisades.
Cheyenne Palisades: No, she went peaceably enough. She just wanted to kill a few of them before she went.
District Court Judge Camping Chair: You have just earned $2L for sitting in the camping chair for ten minutes. You have now earned $6L. Be sure to spend your Lindens at the District Court Casino.
Judge Camper: Wow! Six Lindens!
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Ms. Palisades, did you at any time witness Sweetie no last name engage in acts against the interests of the United States of America?
Cheyenne Palisades: She voted for Bush in 2004. I did my best to talk her out of it, but she wouldn’t listen. She just kept saying she liked a man who would marry a librarian. She respected him for that. I mean, who else would marry a librarian? Especially that one.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And what else? What other acts did you witness?
Cheyenne Palisades: Nothing that doesn’t involve attorney-client privilege.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: (Scoffs) This witness is excused.
Judge Camper: Ms. Sweetie, you may proceed with the cross.
Sweetie: (Changes clothes repeatedly as she approaches Ms. Palisades; each outfit is more provocative than the last). Ms. Palisades, do you love me?
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Objection Your Honor!
Judge Camper: Quiet, Counselor. I want to hear this.
Cheyenne Palisades: Yes I do. With all my heart. Excessively. Constantly. Achingly.
(Wild cheers and raucous applause from the peanut gallery)
Sweetie: That’s what I wanted to hear. No further questions. And you’re totally hot, babe!
Cheyenne Palisades flutters her eyelashes.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Redirect, your honor!
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Ms. Palisades, you said you loved Sweetie.
Cheyenne Palisades: Yes I did. I do. (Calls out: I love you, Sweetie!)
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: I call Dakota Burns to the witness stand.
Photos: Because Judge Camper hadn't yet learned how to take snapshots, he ruled there would be no photos in the courtroom.