VIII. The Incident at the Teleport Hub

Written 17 May, 2007

The United States of America vs. Sweetie

VIII. The Incident at the Teleport Hub

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Will you please describe the incident at the teleport hub?

Sweetie: Objection, Your Blueyedness! What incident is Diva talking about?

Judge Camper: Oh, come on, Sweetie! Everyone knows what happened. It was in all the papers. What other incident could it be? Overruled.

Sweetie: (Pouting). I’ve been responsible for lots of incidents.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Why am I not surprised?

Sweetie: I have this bustier that predictably causes a riot whenever I wear it.

Judge Camper: Overruled, Sweetie. Unless you would like to show it to me.

Sweetie: I would like to enter my bustier as Defense Exhibit A. And my CFM pumps as Exhibit B.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Your honor, objection!. The defense can’t enter evidence now. This is my witness.

Judge Camper: I’m not going to take a chance on her changing her mind. Overruled. Bustier is in evidence. Get back to your witness, counselor.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Mr. Linden, please describe the incident.

Transitauthority Linden: I was scripting. I know I’m not supposed to on duty, but it was a slow day. Hardly anyone was jumping. Then I became aware of the accused.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: What was she doing?

Transitauthority Linden: Nothing. She was just one hot avatar. And I became er, aware of her.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And she refused to take her shoes off at the security counter?

Sweetie: Objection, Your Sinatraness! I wasn’t wearing shoes. I never wear shoes!

Cheyenne Palisades: She forgets to put them on. I can vouch for that.

Transitauthority Linden: The rule says you have to take your shoes off. The fact that she wasn’t wearing any in no way excused her from that requirement.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: So the defendant refused to take off her not-shoes.

Transitauthority Linden: Yes she did.

Sweetie: How positively Piccardian this is! Not-shoes. Not-date.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Then what happened?

Transitauthority Linden: She began tweaking the textures of the main scanning device.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: This is a crime?

Transitauthority Linden: Of the highest order. Damaging Federal property.

Sweetie: I didn’t damage it, you idiot! I made it better! The verticals were out of alignment!

Judge Camper: You’ll get your turn to question this witness, Sweetie. And in that bustier, I hope!

Cheyenne Palisades: Your Honor, I move that the defendant not be addressed publicly as Sweetie.

NOTICE FROM TORLEY LINDEN: THIS REGION WILL RESTART IN FIVE MINUTES. GET YOUR ASS TO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Judge Camper: And why is that, Ms. Palisades?

Cheyenne Palisades: Sweetie is my private name for the defendant, Your Honor.

Judge Camper: And what would you have us call her?

Cheyenne Palisades: I don’t know. Just not Sweetie.

Judge Camper: Very well. Just-Not-Sweetie, you’ll get your turn to question this witness. In that provocative bustier.

Sweetie: I figured it would save time if I questioned him now.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: What happened when you approached the defendant about her not-shoes?

Transitauthority Linden: You mean Sweetie?

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: I mean Not-Sweetie.

Transitauthority Linden: She pulled out a Japanese sword and cut off my head.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Your honor, I would like to introduce into evidence the head of Transitauthority Linden.

Transitauthority Linden: Hey! You said you would just take a picture of it and then I could have it back!

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: There’s a lot at stake here, Mr. Linden. You’ll get your head back eventually.

NOTICE FROM TORLEY LINDEN: THIS REGION WILL RESTART IN FOUR MINUTES.

Transitauthority Linden: I’ve never lost a head before. It’s not good for a Linden to lose his head. I could get fired for this.

Transitauthority Linden: Second. RL. Phone.

Transitauthority Linden: I was just fired.

TRANSITAUTHORITY LINDEN, YOUR GOD MODE POWERS HAVE BEEN REVOKED.

TRANSITAUTHROITY LINDEN, HENCEFORTH YOU WILL BE KNOWN AS TRANSITAUTHORITY OH.

Transitauthority Oh: Rats.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: What happened then?

Transitauthority Oh: We would have been in real trouble, but fortunately the parcel was full and she couldn’t materialize her heavy weaponry. She calmly finished texturing the scanning machine and then walked away.

NOTICE FROM TORLEY LINDEN: THIS REGION WILL RESTART IN THREE MINUTES.

Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And what did you do?

Transitauthority Oh: I filled out an enemy of the state form on her. And an enemy combatant form. And I alerted Teleport Tom and we went from Condition Happy to Condition Concerned.

Thank you, Mr. Oh. You may step down.

Cheyenne Palisades: Your honor, cross!

Cheyenne Palisades: I have just two questions for you, Mr. Oh.

Transitauthority Oh: Oh?

Cheyenne Palisades: That’s what I said. Mr. Oh.

Transitauthority Oh: Oh.

Cheyenne Palisades: Oh.

Transitauthority Oh: Oh!

NOTICE FROM TORLEY LINDEN: THIS REGION WILL RESTART IN NINETY SECONDS.

Cheyenne Palisades: And my first question for you is this…

Cheyenne Palisades: Did my Sweetie’s texturing result in any decrease in the efficiency of the scanning machine?

Transitauthority Oh: No. In fact, she added a cool scanning sound from Star Trek. Scares the shit out of terrorists. And newbie TSA agents.

NOTICE FROM TORLEY LINDEN: THIS REGION WILL RESTART IN FORTY-FIVE SECONDS.

Cheyenne Palisades: And here’s my second question—did the scanner look better after she tweaked it?

Transitauthority Oh: Oh, my, much better! It’s no longer an ugly gray metal box. Now it looks like a psychedelic flower. Or maybe art nouveau. Way cool. It’s one of a kind. The agents on the gates all fight over it.

Cheyenne Palisades: Thank you. (Starts to walk away, then gets a Perry Mason look). Oh!

Transitauthority Oh: That’s me.

NOTICE FROM TORLEY LINDEN: I REALLY LOVE TO RESTART THESE REGIONS AND MAKE EVERYONE SCURRY ABOUT. THIS REGION WILL RESTART IN FIFTEEN SECONDS.

Cheyenne Palisades: You don’t miss your head very much, do you?

Transitauthority Oh: I was sort of attached to it, but no, not so much. It wasn’t much of a head anyway. I’m using this .5 x .5 x .5 plywood prim as a replacement. Someone left it unattended at the teleport hub, and I got to it before they could blow it up. It’s sort of growing on me. I’m not even that mad at Diva for confiscating my other head.

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