Note: Mr. Zond’s testimony has been translated with the help of Babbler 3.0, as his English is quite different from U.S. English and nearly incomprehensible to American ears. It’s all What are you like! And PMSL! And other things we don’t understand over here.
The United States of America vs. Sweetie
IX: A Spy in Our Midst
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Your honor, we would like to call a surprise witness.
Judge Camper: I love surprises! I’ll bet it’s the gentleman with the plywood prim in place of his head!
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: No you honor. That was the last witness. You weren’t paying a lot of attention, were you?
DISTRICT COURT FRUIT MACHINE ACCEPTS $3L FROM JUDGE CAMPER. TOUCH ME TO SPIN.
DISTRICT COURT FRUIT MACHINE PAYS JUDGE CAMPER $1L. PLAY AGAIN? Y/N.
Judge Camper: Y.
Judge Camper: Of course I was paying attention!
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: I call Aldo Zond to the stand.
Cheyenne Palisades: Also? You’re calling Also?”
Cheyenne Palisades: Sorry, Also. Typo.
Cheyenne Palisades: *Also
Cheyenne Palisades: ** Aldo
Cheyenne Palisades: Darn keyboard!
Sweetie: (To Cheyenne.) Why is he testifying for the prosecution? I thought he was your friend.
Cheyenne Palisades: He is my friend. I can’t believe this!
Sweetie: It doesn’t look good.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Please tell us your name.
Aldo Zond: Aldo Zond.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Mr. Zond, are you affiliated with the Teleportation Security Administration?
Aldo Zond: Yes I am. (A gasp runs around the courtroom.)
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: In what way, Mr. Zond?
Aldo Zond: I’m an agent of Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Rakehell Surveillance Division, loaned by my country to work with your TSA to identify and apprehend potential terrorists.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: You are a double O agent?
Aldo Zond: Triple O. Licensed to kill 00 agents. And errant Rakehells.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And you work undercover?
Aldo Zond: Yes. I love working under the covers.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And you were assigned to keep an eye on Not-Sweetie?
Aldo Zond: And Ms. Palisades, yes.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: By who?
Aldo Zond: By whom.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Yes, that's what I said. By who?
Aldo Zond: By the Prince of Darkness himself.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Satan?
Aldo Zond: No. Dick Cheney. Although I have to say I’ve never seen Cheney and Satan in the same place at the same time.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And how did you infiltrate, Mr. Zond?
Aldo Zond: As much as I hate trivia—especially the US-biased trivia of Second Life—I forced myself to sit for hours in the chairs at the Wing Trivia Lounge, waiting for Ms. Palisades to show up. I ingratiated myself with Ms. Palisades. I worked up some scripts for her. I rented a house from her. I kissed her ass. She was most grateful.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And you recorded your conversations with her?
Aldo Zond: Indeed I did, using Outy Banjo’s Recording Script.
Judge Camper: Hey! I use that script! Do you have her Poofer Scripts?
Aldo Zond poofs.
Judge Camper: I love that! (Poofs.)Imsonotadiva Bartlett: (Clearing her throat). And through Ms. Palisades, you kept an eye on Not-Sweetie?
Aldo Zond: I kept an eye on them both.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And did you see or hear Non-Sweetie engage in any subversive behavior?
Aldo Zond: Yes I did. Both she and Ms. Palisades were often scornful toward and derisive of the Teleportation Security Administration in general and Teleport Tom in particular. On May 8 I heard Not-Sweetie tell Ms. Palisades she had muted Tom’s security advisories—and this while we were in Condition Tom is Concerned.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And did you witness Non-Sweetie acting as an enemy combatant?
Aldo Zond: No, but I observed her several times in full ninja armor and once engaged in mock combat with Peter Stindberg, who we believe had been engaged to teach her martial arts. In fact, we believe all of Pele is a terrorist training camp.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And did Not-Sweetie violate the provisions of the Patriot Act?
Aldo Zond: Indeed she did. On the evening of April 17, I heard the defendant make disparaging remarks about the Commander-in-Chief.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: You mean President Bush?
Aldo Zond: Oh, no. His wife. Laura. Everyone knows she’s the power behind the throne.
Sweetie: I love librarians! I would never have said anything against her! I was talking about Rumsfeld!
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And did you witness any acts of terror?
Aldo Zond: Yes, I did. On April 29, she orbited Ms. Palisades and threatened to orbit a new citizen named Doug Streeter, using a semi-legal device called the Mystitool. She said, and I quote, “Would you like to go high, Doug? Would you like to go really, really high?”
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Please tell the jury what orbiting is, Mr. Zond.
Aldo Zond: It’s an unauthorized push on an avatar. It sends her millions of meters into the sky.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And did Ms. Palisades give permission to be orbited?
Aldo Zond: No, she did not.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: And this is a violation of the Terms of Service?
Aldo Zond: Yes it is. And there’s more.
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: Please tell us.
Aldo Zond: On the same day I witnessed the defendant collaborating with Ms. Palisades to make a well that pushes avatars more than 170 meters in the air.
Aldo Zond: And in January, the defendant flew with Ms. Palisades into restricted air space, 50 million meters over the land. We can only guess they were plotting some sort of terror act up there.
Cheyenne Palisades: Objection, Your Honor! Speculation! All we were doing was trying to figure out a way to create huge prims at that height and turn them physical so they would fall to earth and crush entire regions. It was all in fun!
Aldo Zond: In February, Not-Sweetie spearheaded the construction of a giant drinking chicken and a 60 meter roll of flying paper towels. The chicken worked for a few minutes, and then fell apart like a cheap clockwork toy. Had it not, we believe she would have set it loose upon the land, like a great chicken Godzilla. And had the giant prim propellers not kept snapping off, we believe she and Ms. Palisades would have flown that roll of towels over the land, claming to be looking for Aisle 6 to do a cleanup. That would have gotten them into a lot of restricted areas.
Cheyenne Palisades: (To Sweetie) Darn that bastard Martin’s ineptness! If that chicken had worked as planned, we would rule Dreamland by now!
Aldo Zond: And finally, Not-Sweetie and Ms. Palisade engaged in spy flights. I refer you to the infamous episode of the Dutch Sex Club. They managed to take quite explicit snapshots by using nefarious techniques of camera control that should be available only to Lindens. And we believe she persuaded Ms. Palisades to post one of those photographs on her blog—which, we understand, caused quite a sensation when her readers viewed it at work.
Aldo Zond: And need I remind you if the time she collaborated with the dragon BreathofG8d to buzz sex sims and frighten the avatars on the pose balls? And need I remind you where politicians are most likely to be found?
Imsonotadiva Bartlett: (Clicking on Chill Out pose ball) Your honor, the prosecution rests!