A Three-Donut Vacation: XXX: Donut Death Star

The Earth After Being Glazed By the Deadly Donut Death Star (Artist’s Impression)

Written 10 July, 2008

A Three-Donut Vacation

XXX: Donut Death Star

So once again, dear readers, we are back again in the first class section of the plane we hijacked, our feet up, imbibing Cosmopolitans and keeping a wary eye on the stewardess, who, we were morally certain, was another of ImSoNotADiva’s clones.

“The time has come, said Sweetie, “to talk of many things. Of TSA and Krispy Kreme, and Linden Lab and bling.”

“Huh?” I said.

“Virtual Lewis Carroll,” said Sweetie. “I’m going to fill you in on the mission.”

“Finally!” I said. “But is it safe to talk here?” I cut my eyes toward Diva, who was in the jump seat, leaning conspicuously toward us.

“Oh, she never makes it off the plane,” chuckled Sweetie. “Or most of her doesn’t.” She smiled disarmingly. “I know because I read through to the end of the blog.”

“I hate it when you do that!” I said. “I don’t even know the ending myself! I’m grievously concerned I’ve written myself into a hole I’ll never find my way out of.”

“Did you read the Lindens’ recent blog about their experiment with IBM?”

“Oh, yeah!” I said. “It’s a major big deal. They were able to successfully transport an avatar between Second Life and Open Sim.”

“Right. It’s a milestone in intergrid compatibility.”

“Do we get to take our clothes with us?” I asked. “And our hair and our skins and our shoes?”

“With luck, teleporting with mesh and attachments will soon be operational,” Sweetie said, “but only, at first, for platinum card fashionistas.”

“Thank god I got my ticket punched,” I said. “I would soooo not go to another grid as a newbie.”

“But what’s important is this WASN’T the first intergrid teleport.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No. Two years go—even before Linden Lab open sourced the software for their servers—Krispy Kreme opened its own grid, using information fed to them by Phyllodough Linden, their spy in the Lab. For six months now they’ve been passing avatars and objects back and forth between Second Life and the Donut Grid.

“Phyllo did a lot of damage,” continued Sweetie. “He was undercover for years. Because of him we have the insidious torus.”

“Oh, that’s right!” I exclaimed. “I never thought about it, but the donut has its own primitive type!”

“It’s the only food product that does, beside the cone. The Ice Cream marketing people paid the Lab millions to develop the cone, but Phyllo snuck the torus right past them.”

“Did they catch him?”

“You know how is in the espionage business. When he was found out he just made an alt. Word is he’s now a sex worker in virtual Amsterdam.”

Sweetie took a big drink from her Cosmo and said, “Fearless Leader--"

"You mean Torley?" I said brightly.

"Shhh! He's known for a while now about the TSA’s dismantling of the network of ballistic missile doneutron bombs. At first he couldn’t figure out why, but he had an in with disgruntled members of Krispy Kreme’s pink-and-green worker support group. They told him about a secret weapon. An ultimate weapon.”

I had a thought. “It’s on the donut grid, isn’t it?” I asked. “The secret weapon.”

“Yes,” said Sweetie. “And it’s called the Donut Death Star. It’s almost completed, and as soon as it’s operational, they’re going to jump it between grids and use it annihilate the earth.”

"The real earth?"

"The real earth."

“By why?” I asked, aghast.

“For publicity, of course. “They plan to cover the planet with glaze and advertise it as the world’s largest donut hole.”

“That’s terrible,” I said. “And stupid besides. Who’s going to be left to see the ad? Martians?”

“What’s really frightening,” said Sweetie, “is the 20 tons of Leona Helmsley Shade 502 lipstick buried in Yucca Mountain. If the Death Star glaze comes into contact with it, the Earth will go up like a supernova.”

“We have to take that Donut Death Star out!” I exclaimed.

“That’s my Chey,” smiled Sweetie. “I was hoping you’d say that.”