A Three-Donut Vacation: XXVIII: Tom Panics

Written 10 July, 2008

A Three-Donut Vacation

XXVIII: Tom Panics

CNN was showing video of the grid map. “This spot of ocean was the former location of the Krispy Kreme private island,” said the announcer. “It disappeared ninety minutes ago and hasn’t reappeared, despite frantic attempts to reboot the sim.”

We were in queue for security. “Look!” I said. “It’s Neelix Nesselrode! That reporter from your trial!”

“We take you now to reporter Sleezy Spinoza, who is on assignment on the nearby nonprofit Donuts for World Peace sim.”

“Sleezy!” I cried.

“Sleezy Spinoza here.s I'm in the normally peaceful Donuts for World Peace region—but there’s no peace here today! We’re on the western edge of the sim, where trees are down and structures flattened, presumably by whatever happened on the adjoining Krispy Kreme region. And there are donuts—hundreds of them—and not sugar glaze covering everything. Officials from the Krispy Kreme Empire haven’t returned our calls and police haven’t yet released information, but the Street is saying there was an explosion.

(Cut to a noobish-looking avatar with a porkpie hat and overalls).

“Me and the chums was at the Calleta hobo yard when I looks up and sees this big mushroom cloud up toward the north. A mushroom cloud. I says to my pal Joey, I says, ‘Ain’t that that donut place?’ and Joey, he says, ‘So what if it is? Bastards could never spare me a cruller. Let ‘em blow up and to hell wid ‘em.’ And then donuts started fallin’ all around and it was like we was in hobo heaven! ‘Glory be!’ says Joey, ‘Dip me in sugar and call me a donut!’ And then he ate hisself sick.”

(Fade to Sleezy Spinoza.)

“So there you have it, Neelix. We don’t yet have official word of what has happened over at Krispy Kreme, but things aren’t looking good. Perhaps—”

(Abrupt Cut to Neelix Nesslerode)

“Sorry to cut you off, Sleezy. This just in: sources at the Teleportation Security Administration have just announced an increase in the level of national security from Condition Tom is Overwhelmed to Condition Tom is Panicking. This is the highest alert in the history of this country. Security at teleport hubs is being tightened and many flights have been delayed.”

(Cut to an apoplectic Teleport Tom).

“We’re rushing to deploy our new security bracelets,” he said .* He sounded like Speedy Alka-Seltzer (who, readers might remember, was one of his fathers [Click here  for the shocking story of Tom’s paternity]). “We’ll be asking teleport passengers to wear them on their right wrist. This elegant and functional armwear will be a signal to TSA agents that the passenger is Condition A-OK with Teleport Tom. There is no—repeat, no—truth to the rumor that the bracelets contain circuitry that will allow TSA personnel to send painful prim-twisting shocks to unruly or suspicious-looking avatars.

“Our design teams have made the bracelets as inoffensive as possible,” Tom continued. “They are, in fact, quite beautiful.”

(Cut to full-screen shot of glazed donut.)

“Horrors!” exclaimed Sweetie. “That’s the ugliest damn pastry I’ve ever seen.”

“God don't make ugly donuts,” I said. “All donuts are perfect. Some donuts are just less perfect than others.” But in truth, it was one damn ugly donut.

“Look at those sprinkles!” cried Sweetie. “They have bling in them!”

“Yep,” I said. “That donut reminds me of those avatars with skin oil.”

“Yuck!” Sweetie said. “You’re right!”

“That’s one donut even I wouldn’t eat,” I said

Someone changed the channel to Fox News. A talking head was claiming Barack Obama was responsible for the disaster. “Or if not Barack HUSSEIN Obama, then Bill BLUE DRESS or Hillary BALLBUSTER Clinton. Or pick any Democrat. Thank god for the bracelets. Any American who doesn’t give up his Constitutional rights and clamp one on is no true American. We all know America isn’t about freedom! It’s about hype and the APPEARANCE of freedom. And doing the bidding of the Dark Lord Rupert Murdoch? That’s the best!” He raised his arm, showing its encircling bracelet. Suddenly he began to twitch and jerk.

“It works, bigod,” said Bill O’Reilly’s voice from somewhere off screen. “I’m going to make all my guests
were them!”

“Sweet Jesus!" I said. "I hate Bill O'Reilly."

"No kidding," Sweetie said. "We should write a book."

"We're too late," I said.

"Speaking of time, we’ve none to lose,” said Sweetie. “We have to get through security before they deploy those bracelets. You know what ‘voluntary’ means to those TSA bastards!”

By signing autographs and handing out publicity stills to the people in line ahead of us, we worked our way to the head of the queue. Just as I was taking off my shoes, a cart carrying a load of boxes marked “Non-Shocking (LOL) Security Bracelets” screeched to a stop beside the conveyor belt.

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* We're not kidding. According to a July 1, 2008 article in that bastion of conservativism The Washington Times, those bastards at the real TSA are considering requiring airline passengers to wear bracelets that would let TSA and airline personnel torture and torment airline customers at will. The TSA denies this. Of course they deny it. But they are looking into it.

If the Washington Times article doesn't come up, try here. Or just Google TSA Shock Bracelet.

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"The greatest tyrannies are always perpetrated in the name of the noblest causes." -- Thomas Paine