Reconciliation

Waiting for Reconciliation

Written 4 February, 2007

Reconciliation

I don't fall in love often or easily. It had been a long time since I last did.

I appreciate the power of the computer for making connections that can lead to real life relationships, and in the past I flirted with just that, but, truth to tell, I thought it sad and more than a little pathetic.

And then I went on the grid.

I wasn't looking for love in Second Life, or, for that matter, in my first. I'd grown comfortable being alone.

But love found me.

I don't mean I found someone to have sex with in Second Life.

I mean I fell in love.

Hard.

Fast.

Desperately.

I've been overwhelmed by the intensity of my emotions.

I'm not frightened by love, and I'm not reluctant to commit, but my emotions have been so intense they frightened me.

Love.

Jealousy (a new emotion for me).

Panic.

I was so frightened by my emotions, in fact, that on Friday night I told my lover I thought it best we part company.

I didn't want it to end. I only wanted to lessen the inevitable heartache.

The end of the relationship was hardly looming, but I was nonetheless in dread of its inevitable end.

It's important to honor the boundaries of others in our SL relationships, and especially their wishes about the boundary between their first lives and their second. My lover made her boundaries known early on. I understand and can keep to boundaries. I've respected hers, and the resultant frustration and longing have spilled over more than once into this blog.

What has made it particularly difficult for me is the subtext.

Oh, yes, there's always subtext.

Since my lover is single and in hopes of having a long-term real-life relationship, I needed to know if the boundaries she placed on our relationship were about me in particular, or about her anxieties about a Second Life relationship progressing into her first life, or simply fear of being in a relationship at all. I wasn't sure-- and, after talking with her all night until the real life sun came up, I still wasn't sure. It seemed to be all of those things and none of those things. It was mixed-up, mumbled-up, shook-up world of reasons. And yes, part of it was about her particular concerns about being in a relationship with a real-life me.

And so I pulled the plug.

There were no angry words or recriminations. I just told her I had to protect myself against future pain. We couldn't continue.

She was shocked--but then, so was I.

But she knew why I was doing it.

I can't begin to tell you how miserable we were. We had wept throughout the night, and we wept all through the morning. Even as I terraformed a neighbor's property and kept up light-hearted commentary with my lover via e-mail, the tears were streaming down my face and hers.

And then my lover talked with Pam Havercamp.

Pam is my friend in Second Life, and, for years, my first.

Pam gave me wonderful advice.

"Baby steps," she said.

It put things in perspective for me.

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I missed my lover by mere seconds. She logged out as I was typing an IM that read, "I'm yours, I'm yours, I'm yours."

And so I built a 110-meter tall tower that spelled out her name, stuck a primmy gazebo on top, and sat for hours on a meditation mat. I sat there patiently while she slept. until she logged on. And we made up.

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My self-protective instincts are good. By default they are switched to on, but yesterday I turned them off. I gave my heart to my lover, forever and always, without condition What will be will be.