Second Life Support Portal

Second Life Support Portal Headquarters in "Des Moines"

Applicants Line Up in Idaho for Support Portal Jobs

Second Life Founder Philip Rosedale

The Geek Squad

Written 8 August, 2007

Second Life Support Portal

Awhile back, Linden Lab announced a live support portal for premium account holders. For a reason I’ll soon blog about, I went looking for it. Didn’t find it.

Maybe I’m missing it, but I expect it is, like WindLight, a delayed feature of Second Life. But I—and Sweetie, who brainstormed this post with me—can imagine what it will be like.

Maybe it would work something like this:

“You have reached the Second Life Live Support Portal. Our office hours are Monday through Saturday from 9 am – 6 pm, Pacific Daylight Time. Thank you for calling, and please call again.”

“But it’s 10:30 in San Francisco! Hello? Hello!" Click.

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Or, more likely:

“All support portal personnel are currently speaking with highly incensed customers. Your wait time is approximately NINETY-TWO MINUTES.

“You are now number 40,951 in the queue.

“We will now play an endless Muzaked loop of 80s metal sensation Aerosmith’s ‘Dude Looks Like a Lady.’

“You are now number 40,950 in the queue.

“We will now play an endless Muzaked loop of Marilyn Manson’s ‘Mutilation is the Sincere Form of Flattery.’

“You are number 40,948 in the queue.

Second Life Live Support Portal says, “Congratulations! You have just earned $2L for camping on this phone line for one hour.”

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Even worse, maybe you’ll even eventually reach someone live:

“Namaste, and thank you for calling Second Life Support Portal. My name, despite my accent, is not Rajah, no, no no. My name is Howard. Please to be calling me Howard. May I please to be helping you, sir?”

“Ma’am.”

“Yes, sir. You will please to be telling me your problem?”

“My sim is lagging.”

“One second, please, sir.” (Pages rustle)

“That’s Ma’am.”

“Okay, I am returned. Will you please unplugging your modem for twenty seconds, sir?”

“I am not a sir! I am a Ma’am. And the problem is most definitely not with my connection!”

“Yes, sir. May I ask you if are to be already unplugging your modem?”

“Ma’am! What time is it in Delhi?”

“Oh, it’s eight in the—Oh, no, no, no, sir, I am not being in Delhi, no no no no no. I am one hundred percent American in Des Moines, Idaho. I am living here since I was a gudda. Des Moines. I know no one named Rajah, no no no. God bless America! Go Cornhuskers!”

“Aren’t the Cornhuskers in Nebraska?”

"Oh, yes, yes, to be sure, but I am so excited by all things American! I am loving to be fed on the American corn! Please to be forgetting this Delhi nonsense, sir. You are perhaps misled by my Midwestern accent. Or perhaps my many American references are confusing you.

“Please to be excusing me while I go to eat my wholesome American cheese food in a can.”

“You mean Cheese Whiz?”

“Yes, the whiz of the cheese, thank you so much.”

“Can you help me with my sim lag problem or not? And it is by damn Ma’am! If you call me sir one more time there will be hell to pay. Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir, I am most sincerely understanding. Now will you please to be unplugging your modem for twenty seconds? How can I be helping you if you will not unplugging your modem for twenty seconds?”

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Or maybe it’ll go like this:

“Linden Lab. Philip Rosedale speaking. How can I help you? Sim lag? How unfortunate! Of course we’ll help you.

"Helen, book me a teleport to the Forsaken sim. And make sure I’m on my private Punky Nerd intrasim teleporter. I don’t want to have to deal with those TSA bastards at the telehub.”

Yeah. Right.

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Maybe I’ll just call the newly formed Geek Squad at their new simulator.

“Sorry, the Geek Squad is temporarily out of service due to severe simulator lag. We are talking to Linden support portal staffer Howard from Idaho, who, we are sure, will be helping us with our problem. Please excuse us while we unplug our modem."