Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Leveraged Buyout: Part XIII. The Board Meeting, Part II

The following is the transcript of the official Whimsy court reporter, the Whimsy Swear Jar. It hasn't been changed in any way.

Leveraged Buyout

Part XIII: The Board Meeting, Part II

Written 5 November, 2012

Dakota Burns: I call the meeting back to order.

Taggmasster 2000: I'd like to talk about the plan Eremalos will implement if this board is so kind as to give us control of Whimsy.

Dakota Burns: Oh, why not!?

Sweetie: Ooh, an interrobang! I love interrobangs!

Taggmasster 2000: Let me just start this short movie. Oh, it won't play! Who disabled scripts on this sim?

Dakota Burns: I've turned off scripts to make sure you don't sneak more spyware into your jewelry and, erm, part.

Taggmasster 2000: Dear board, please pretend the movie is running. Eremalos Capital is in control of the sim. As grandiose music plays we see a crystal city, filled with tall spires-- the working heart of the capitalistic sim known as Tagg 17-- er, Whimsy. A great hotel sits atop the volcano Pele, the lava pit visible through the transparent glass floor of a grand ballroom.

Judge Camper. I have a sudden craving for popcorn.

Taggmasster 2000: At the base of the mountain we see kajira huts, and beyond on the absolutely flat plain we see 512 square meter plots where hundreds of avatars are happy to pay rent to rez their sad little homes and pose balls. Above, in the sky there's a grand floating mall where Second Life's best designers sell their wares-- skins, hair, shoes, vehicles, and mesh loincloths. We-- damn! The film broke!

Whimsy Swear Jar: You just spoke a dirty word, Taggmasster 2000. Please pay me $25L. You now owe me $25L.

Sweetie: And how will this grand city be financed, Taggmasster? With funds from Eremalos Capital?

Taggmasster 2000: Oh, no! We've already invested. We'll hold a sim-wide yard sale to sell off Whimsy's many prims and the contents of Ms. Palisades voluminous inventory. We'll sell her lucrative jewelry business and sell the robot sanatorium to a group of Battlestar Galactica role players-- they're already showing interest. We'll pre-sell pre-fab condos and give renters a big discount for paying six months in advance.

Sweetie: And you'll use the proceeds to pay Whimsy's tier?

Taggmasster 2000: Oh, no. You see, our contract expires on November 21st.

Dakota Burns: Why so soon?

Sweetie: Because Whimsy's tier is due on the 22nd. That's why!

Dakota Burns: So you'll leave behind a healthy sim with funds enough to pay the tier?

Taggmasster 2000: We will of course pay ourselves a moderate fee for our consultation and management services.

Sweetie: And what will be the balance upon your departure?

Taggmasster 2000: Uh, let's see here... approximately... I have it here somewhere... zero Lindens.

Dakota Burns: So you'll leave us with no money and a $300 USD tier payment due?

Taggmasster 2000: Yes, brilliant, isn't it?

Dakota Burns: But where did the-- where will the money go?

Taggmasster 2000: I told you there would be management fees.

Sweetie: Let's get this straight-- You already have more than $20,000L of Cheyenne's money. You'll have the proceeds from selling all the prims on Whimsy and the 32,000 items in Cheyenne's inventory--

Taggmasster 2000: That reminds me-- Ms. Burns, we'll be wanting those old lady clothes you're holding for Ms. Palisades. They should move well in the yard sale.

Sweetie: Our residents have paid their tier for the month and yet they'll be unceremoniously moved out of their homes and you'll set up hundreds of small plots and rent them-- and you'll rent space to merchants for your floating mall.

Taggmaster 2000: Accurate so far.

Sweetie: You'll sell Chey's jewelry business and the robot sanatorium. And then, the day before tier is due you'll leave, taking all the money with you.

Taggmaster 2000: That's it in a nutshell. I told you it was brilliant!

Sweetie: And who else thinks this is a good idea?

Dakota Burns: Three hands are raised-- Taggmasster, Judge Camper, and Sleezy Spinoza. Judge, your vote doesn't count. So two in favor, and Sleezy, how could you? Those opposed? Myself and Sweetie. It's tied, two to two.

Taggmasster 2000: So it will all come down to those proxies, won't it?

Sweetie: I think they're fake.

Taggmasster 2000: But you can't prove it.

Sweetie: No. But we have an alternate vision. Our renters will continue to enjoy lovely sunrises and enjoy Whimsy's many amenities. Visitors will enjoy the beaches, the underwater area, the gardens, the train, and the Robot Sanatorium will continue to provide care for the many malfunctioning mechanoids of the Metaverse. And Cheyenne will be allowed back on the sim-- provisionally.

Dakota Burns: I won't bother to call the vote. It will be two to two. As for the proxies, I took the time during our break to get in touch with Chey's renters. Two were unavailable, but the others denied having given Tagg their proxies. As for the prims and scripts, not even one replied to my query. I'm sure they didn't reply to Taggmasster either. Upon advice of counsel, I'm throwing the lot out. That means we're stalemated.

Judge Camper: Not so fast! I took the liberty during the break to rez a prim. So I'm now eligible, and I vote with my client. His vision carries over Sweetie and Chey's vision! We now have to call a vote of the shareholders.

Dakota Burns: Don't tell me how to do my job, Camper. We will now have a vote of the shareholders. As Cheyenne's proxy I vote now with her 12,542 shares. I say Nay.

Sweetie: I vote Nay with my 1451 prims.

Dakota Burns: That's 13993 against.

Sleezy Spinoza: As a reporter I must remain objective. I and my one share abstain from this vote.

Dakota Burns: Too damn bad you didn't abstain before.

Whimsy Swear Jar: You just spoke a dirty word, DAKOTA BURNS. Please pay me $25L. You now owe me $L175.

Judge Camper: I and my one share vote Aye.

Taggmasster 2000: I and my 50,000 shares vote Aye.

Dakota Burns: Proposal carri-- wait a minute! How do you come up with 50,000 shares?

Taggmasster 2000:  We contacted the intersim prim banking authority and borrowed 50,000 additional prims for Whimsy.

Sweetie: You can't do that!

Taggmasster 2000: You can if you're me! And check the covenant. You'll see it suddenly says borrowed prims count.

Dakota Burns: Do I have to say motion carries?

Taggmasster 2000: Yes, you do.

Dakota Burns: Very well then. Motion--

Judge Camper: Tagg, you're gonna want to listen to this. Sleezy has gone on the air.

Sleezy Spinoza: We're here on Whimsy again as the board meeting to determine the sim's fate continues.  It looks as if Taggmasster's 2000's proposal to stupidscape Whimsy is about to carry. But we break to bring you this exclusive report. Trouble is brewing on the Gorean sims Tagg 1 through Tagg 16.  Liberated kajirae, working with the panther minority, have seized control in a bloody coup and are declaring a new nation-state to be called Feminiland.

Taggmasster 2000: What?!!!

Sweetie: Ooh, triple interrobang!

Taggmasster 2000: This can't be happening!

Sleezy Spinoza: The rebels aren't saying who supplied them with the fruitcake cannons and exploding lipsticks they needed for the takeover, but they and their sister nation-state of Whimsy have already established diplomatic ties. Feminiland has issued a fatwah for their former leader, one Taggmasster 2000, who is also wanted by Linden authorities for the unauthorized "borrowing" of some 50,000 prims.

Taggmasster 2000: I wish Dad had been here. He's so much better at this than me. I think I should leave now.

Dakota Burns: Taggmasster, upon re-reading the Whimsy covenant I see no reference whatsoever to Whimsy having issued any shares. This sim clearly belongs to Cheyenne Palisades and you have no business here whatsoever. Judge Camper, you are to immediately rescind the restraining order on Ms. Palisades and you are to issue one for yourself. If we catch you here again we'll feed you to Callie, our giant patrolling sea serpent. And that goes for you too, Tagg! Wait, don't run away so fast! You owe the swear jar $25L.

Sweetie: Too late, Dakota. He's gone.

Dakota Burns: Judge Camper, before you issue that restraining order on yourself, issue an arrest warrant for Taggmasster.

Sleezy Spinoza: And there you have it, viewers, the exciting conclusion to the attempted leveraged buyout of Whimsy by the Eremalos Capital Group.

Whimsy Swear Jar: Thank you, DAKOTA BURNS, for your payment. We are now even. Please watch your mouth.