|"I Go Up, I Go Down"|
Part II: Gaston's Confession
Written 31 Octoboo, 2012
"I've done a terrible thing," said Gaston. He would have had a sad expression on his face if I had sprung for the optional facial expressions package.
"The evil Gaston has been plotting against you!" chortled Alphonse.
"Go back to your station, downbot," I said. Alphonse muttered something nasty in French and returned to his post.
"I am happy," said Gaston. "I take people up. I take people down. Sometimes they tip me. Sometimes I tip them."
"Wait a minute!" I said. "Tip them? As in tip them out? Out of their seats?"
"It doesn't happen often," he said defensively.
"It shouldn't happen at all," I said. "But go on with your story."
"And then I gave a ride to Taggmasster 2000."
"Another robot?" I asked.
"No, no," said Gaston. "He wore a loincloth and carried a big sword. I think it symbolized the imagined length of his, er..."
"A Gorean!" I said.
"Yes," said Gaston. "Taggmasster 2000 From Gor. He bragged of his many kajirae as we rode to the top of the blimp tower. And as we rose he asked if I was content with my lot here on Whimsy. I told him I was."
"Then he said, 'But I notice you're made of steel. That other robot-- Alphonse, is it?-- is made of brass.'
"I sniffed. Steel is cheaper than brass, I told him.
"'But wouldn't you rather have a brass body?' Taggmasster asked.
Somehow he had hit upon my deepest insecurity! As you know, that despicable Alphonse is made of brass. Oh, how I long to be like him!"
"Wait a minute," I said. "I thought Alphonse was jealous of you because you take people up and he takes them down."
"He is," said Gaston. "But I'm jealous, too. Why, oh, why didn't you order me in brass?"
"Cost $200L more," I said. "But if you were brass, then you wouldn't be you, would you?"
"Hmm," he said. "I never thought of that. No curiosity circuitry."
"Continue," I said.
"Taggmasster was charming," he said. "Did you know he speaks binary?"
"No," I said, "or if it helps, 0. "
"Wow!" Gaston said. "You parlay binary?
"0," I said. "I know only yes and no. I mean, only 1 and 0."
"Taggmasster told me he could get me a new brass body."
"Surely you didn't fall for that," I said.
"Unfortunately," said Gaston, "I did.
"Taggmasster told me all I had to do was tell him about Whimsy. So I did-- how peaceful it is when the volcano Pele isn't erupting, how many visitors we have, how we have the only giant granite Paleolithic slightly-deified drinking bird known to the archaeological community, how content our residents are, how people come from all around to ride Kitto Flora's little steam train, how in its attempt to commercialize the sim the Whimsy Transportation Authority enraged Whimsians by running the tracks down the gullet of our giant stone Mr. Tiki.
"That nice Taggmasster was especially interested in the WTA. He asked lots of questions. So I told him how you and Sweetie had time and again foiled their evil plans."
"Well, no harm done," I said.
Or so I thought.