Saturday, November 13, 2010

Total Protection For Your Total Protection

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Total Protection For Your Total Protection

Written 13 November, 2010

Whimsical Virtual Insurers and Guarantors

"It's not just INsurance; it's WHIMsurance!"


Special Rider for Users of Security Devices, Anti-Inspection Shells, and Red Fences

This is a special Whimsurance rider for users of home protection / security / privacy devices, those who set their land to exclude individual avatars or certain classes of avatars, and those who choose to shield their avatars behind security prims.

We at Whimsical Virtual Insurers and Guarantors understand that privacy in Second Life is entirely in your mind. Anyone can see what you are doing virtually anywhere you go. We don’t at all understand why you think you are "protecting" yourself with all those expensive, lag-inducing gadgets and annoying red  fences when nobody knows who the fuck you are in real life, but we respect your right to be stupid and will cover under this rider most of the liabilities you might incur in the use of your privacy and anti-inspection devices.

If you are sued for abuse reported by an avatar who is unseated from their vehicle when they hit your "Red Fence of Friendship," YOU ARE COVERED!

When an avatar gets bounced from your property before they have time to fly away and, upon being unexpectedly teleported home, discovers their virtual spouse in bed with their virtual best friend, YOU ARE COVERED!

When your 5000-prim anti-inspection device is penetrated by every avatar who knows how to use the camera or the pie menu, YOU ARE COVERED! No, wait! You’re not covered, because you’re a dumbass! But if an avatar is serious injured while attempting to penetrate your shield, YOU ARE COVERED!

When your security device causes an avatar to lose expensive no-copy attachments, YOU ARE COVERED!

When an avatar is damaged due to excessive bouncing between your red fence and the red fences of your neighbors, YOU ARE COVERED!

Special Note: "YOU ARE COVERED!" does not mean you will receive monetary compensation. You are merely covered.


Red Fences

This policy extends coverage to red fences lawfully erected in accordance to rental agreement, land ownership covenant, estate rules, and Linden Labs' (R) Terms of Service.

Coverage shall not apply to red fences erected in contravention to any of the above, nor to non-standard red fences constructed from unauthorized huge prims, nor to red fences powered by sources other than the main grid, for example nuclear power plants, alien technology, unlawfully impressed Gorean kajirae, character-played livestock, hamster wheel camping chairs, or the use of large numbers of blindingly high-powered face lights.


This policy provides protection in the event of first-party or third-party vicarious damages caused by collision with a covered red fence (see definition above).

In the event an encounter with your lawful red fence causes the unseating of an avatar from his or her vehicle, our risk management specialists will attempt to mitigate the loss to the collidee and reduce the likelihood of a claim. The specialist will take the following steps:

1. Cheerfully assuming Second Life has returned said vehicle to the avatar's Lost and Found folder, thereby eliminating the possibility of a claim.

2. If said vehicle has not been returned to the collidee within a reasonable amount of time (seven years), we will provide a cheerful and reassuring note to the collidee advising them to wait patiently and perhaps hold their breath until said vehicle reappears in their Lost and Found.

3. In the unlikely event the collidee is still pursuing damages, we will provide them with a high-quality vehicle of equal value, as determined by our adjusters, accounting for deprecation, the amount of virtual wear and tear of the lost vehicle, and whether the vehicle was in overall good taste.

4. In the unlikely event a lawsuit ensues, we will promptly review the claim and deny it on the basis of the following exclusions: UFOs, vehicles driven at night, vehicles driven by avatars under the influence of alcohol or other drugs or wearing scripted collars which surrender control of their avatar to someone else, freebie vehicles, and vehicles which require more than one region to rez.

5. If a collision with your red fence does result in litigation, your claim will be carefully evaluated by our panel of experts before being categorically denied.


Personal Security Devices

This rider does not cover misplacement or accidental deletion of your security devices, nor transfer of your device to another avatar, nor does it guarantee your poorly scripted and ugly security orb will actually work. We are not responsible for griefing, theft of your virtual inventory or identity, terraforming of your land, dismantling and turning physical of your home, or elopement of your virtual spouse with any avatar who contrives to get past your security device or manages to wreak havoc in the seven seconds between arrival and ejection. Nor are we responsible if you manage to eject yourself or your virtual spouse, partner, or concubine from your property.

If your security device causes loss or damage to the intruder’s (we like to call your orb’s victim an intruder, because it sounds good in court) HUDS or other attachments, our risk management specialists will attempt to mitigate the loss to the collidee by taking the steps outlined above. They will then categorically deny the intruder’s claim. If the intruder continues to press for a settlement, we will add them to our grid-wide anti-litigant database, which will automatically eject them from any sim covered by our policy.

If the ejection causes the intruder to lose attachments or causes embarrassment by an unexpected teleport home (see example above), we will ask the intruder if he or she is covered by our personal loss policy. If not, we will give the intruder a raspberry and laugh our asses off.


Grid-Wide Security Devices

If your security device adds names of banned avatars to a database which subsequently bans them from multiple sims, shame on you. We explicitly don’t ensure those devices, mostly because we’re in most of the databases.


If you wear an anti-inspection cocoon because you fancy yourself a fashionista and wish to prevent others from using Second Life’s Inspect feature to find the names of the creators of your hair, clothing, shoes, and accessories, let us first say you’re not “all that.” Face it, you look like ten thousand other avies, probably with too-big boobs, too-big hair, too-expensive shoes, and too-short skirt. That oily skin is butt-ugly, your hair has an alpha problem, and those huge prim eyelashes never resolve in others’ viewers anyway. In other words, why bother?

Besides, you should be ashamed at making the server render hundreds of prims to heighten your sense of self-importance.

Since anti-inspection devices work only with newbies who haven’t yet learned to control their cameras, we will not cover touches, pokes, or camming of your inspection device. Nor will we compensate your for the deep feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that caused you to purchase such a device in the first place. Finally, we’ll deny your claim for personal anguish caused by that two-week old avatar who just penetrated your anti-inspection orb and announced to all present the creators of your prims.

However, if an avatar should become frustrated and grief or cage you or other avatars or become permanently virtually cross-eyed, or terminate his or her account, you will be covered.


Coverage does not equal compensation. If your coverage is triggered by a covered event, we will courteously take your claim, file it away in our inventory, and inform you within two weeks of a server-side inventory loss. Since we will have no record of memory of the event (our agents receive special training in memory loss as well as inventory loss), you will not be compensated.