DO NOT COUNT VAMPIRES IN THE SL CENSUS!
Written 2 May, 2010
Second Life Census
Just as the U.S. Constitution mandates the taking of a census every ten years, the Second Life Terms of Service (not the publicly available one, the supersecret one no one gets to see) requires a census of of the grid's residents.
Not just anyone can be a Second Life census taker. You have to have a premium account. I do, so I was hired.
My job is to go to every sim on the grid and determine who was a green dot on the map on 1 April, 2010. (And no, census day being 1 April is not an April Fools joke).
I'll make $L 18.75 an hour, including time when I'm blue-zoned and on brief BRB.
Rather than describe my arduous five-minute training or the census form itself, I'll just ask you to observe me as I collect data on a typical sim.
"Hi there. My name is Cheyenne Palisades and I'm with the Second Life Census."
"How'd you get here? This sim is a private island and off-limits to everyone not in our little group of illegal age players-- uh, appreciators of child avatars."
"The Lindens have given me special God powers. I'm unbannable."
"So I gathered. And you're obviously unmutable, too."
"Indeed. Let me just say all data I collect are confidential and will be used only by the Lindens to allocate resources for your sim, and of course to mute, ban, or data mine you, make unauthorized charges to your Paypal account, or delete your SL account altogether. Were you or was anyone else a green dot on this sim as of 1 April, 2010?
"This is a belated April Fools joke, isn't it?"
"NO, I ASSURE YOU IT'S NOT A JOKE!"
"What was that?"
"Oh, just a blue menu M. Linden threw up. He's monitoring we census takers on our first day. So, were you on the sim on 1 April?"
"Yes. Oh, I just remembered. I have an appointment to pay my tier. And it seems it's right now."
"This will take only ten minutes. Humor me so I don't have to come back with the Green Lanterns and MAKE you comply. I need to make a list of the people who were on the sim on 1 April. How many were here?"
"Got it, thanks. May I have your name?"
"That's funny. The tag over your head says you're Teflon DonKiddy. But I'm supposed to write down what you say. So Reluctant Infogiver it is. Now, how old were you on 1 April, 2010?"
"31 days old."
"Very good. And that makes your birthdate..."
"30 March, 2010."
"Got it. Now please look at the notecard I gave you. Oh, you declined it."
"Yes I did, LOL."
"Here's another. Oh, you declined it too."
"Yes I did."
"Darn. They give us only so many of those! I'll just read aloud from my copy. Please give me names of other avatars who were present on 1 April. Include paid accounts, unpaid accounts, furries, sex workers, child avatars, tinies, fashionistas, builders, sim owners, and Calleta hoboes. Don't include alts, vampires (who are, after all, undead, and so can't 'live' anywhere), Philip Linden noob objects, Linden bears, or ghosted avatars."
"I forgot the question."
"Please give me the name of another avatar present here on 1 April."
"How old was Gorgeous on 1 April?"
"143 days. Born on uh, 1 September, 1492. Sorry, math isn't my strong suit."
"That's fine. I'll just write down what you say. Who else?"
"Junior Junior, 1003 days old, 1 September 1492."
"That doesn't add to seven, but we're still good. Now, on Earth, this would be a silly question, but what sex is Junior?"
"And what sex is Gorgeous Maxim?"
"She says female, but I have my doubts. So put down male."
"And what sex are you?"
"Female, of course! But I can't use voice, my uh, mic is broken."
"Female it is. Are you Gorean?"
"Not at present."
"Do you identify at present as child avatar, granny avi, grandpa avi, furry, robot, slave, tiny, or dragon? Choose as many as you wish."
"Robot slave child avi."
"Got it. And do you spend most of your time here or on another sim?"
"I spend about a third of my time at the Moose Beach infohub harassing newbies. But most of my time is spent here on the Child Paradise sim enaging in activities I don't wish others to see or know about."
"We're almost done. Is this a full or homestead sim?"
"Actually, it's an openspace. We have only 750 prims, which explains why it looks sort of bare."
"Is this sim owned or rented?"
"Actually, it's available for free because my cousin works at Linden Lab. Oh, wait, did I just say that out loud?"
'THIS SIM WILL BE REMOVED FROM THE GRID IN 3 MINUTES. IF YOU REMAIN HERE YOU WILL BE LOGGED OUT AND YOUR ACCOUNT DEACTIVATED"
"What was that?"
"Blue menu from M. again. I told you he was monitoring."
"He's busting us for our ageplay?"
"No, of course not. He's concerned about you not paying tier. Thank you for your time. See you again in ten years."
What a way to make a virtual living!