A Three-Donut Vacation: IX. "Just The Facts, Ma'am."

This hairdo is all that stands in the way

of my very own Platinum Fashionista Union card.

Written 23 June, 2008

A Three-Donut Vacation

IX. Just the Facts, Ma’am

Our friend Michel—I mean Top Cop—arrived in swat gear. She was all business.

“Just the facts, Ma’am,” she said to Sweetie.

“That poster there,” said Sweetie. “The one that reads “I would dance the hootchie-cootchie buck naked on my mother’s grave before I would wear a stolen garment.”

“Yeah,” said Top Cop. “Ironic, isn’t it? The poster is bitching about theft of intellectual property and at the same time ripping off the “I won’t wear fur” PETA posters. The poster is intellectual property theft in and of itself. I’m going to have to take it in as evidence.”

“It can be your wanted poster, too,” said Sweetie. “The woman in the photo is ImSoNotADiva Bartlett, the owner of this little shop of knockoff horrors.”

“How hypocritical,” I said, “for that poster to be placed in a palace of purloined products.”

“Come to mention it,” said Top Cop, “I recognize that $1000L outfit. It’s a freebie from New Citizens Plaza.”

“It’s about more than posters and charging ridiculous prices for freebies,” said Tozh. “Every item in this store is an exact copy from a top designer.”

“That makes it a $10.99,” said Top Cop. “That’s a Copybot felony. We can charge her under the RICO act.”

“Oh, yeah, the organized crime act,” I said. "The uh Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act."

“No ma’am,” said Top Cop. “The Raking in Income from the Clothing of Others Act." You can get life for that. I’m calling for backup.”

“I’m getting some interesting chat on the Platinum group,” said Tozh.

“Me too,” said Sweetie.

“I’m not, dammit!” I said, for I, a mere gold card carrier, wasn't a member. “What? What?”

Sweetie pasted the messages in Chat:

(10/23 13:22:03): <>: I could swear that’s my Dior knockoff gown at her shop.

(10/23 13:22:05: <>: I KNOW that’s my Chanel knockoff!

(10/23 13:22:10: <>: Don’t worry. She’ll get hers sooner or later.

(10/23 10:22:12: : And maybe sooner than later. I see a cop in her shop. Just a second… a van and three squad cars just pulled up, and SCTV and Metaverse Messenger have helicopters circling. She’s busted!

“You redacted the names?” I complained. “That’s the most important part!”

“Sorry,” Sweetie said. “You’re not authorized.”

“DAMN this hairdo!” I said.

“Wait!” Tozh said. “There’s more.” She pasted the chat:

(10/23 13:22:31: ImSoNotADiva Bartlett: Muwahahahahaha! My little friends in blue are too late. Too late! I’ve already procured a fortune peddling your pathetic products. I’ve made enough for a Get Out of Jail Free card. So charges will be dropped. Then I can grease the wheels of the bureaucracy and buy my way back into power!

(10/23 13:23:13): ImSoNotADiva Bartlett: You’ve served me well, you, you fashion fascists! I’m back! Ba-ack! Muwahahaha!

(10/23 13:23:46: : That’s it! You can bet she won’t be an officer in the group after this!

Diva, who had been walking the thin line between sanity and madness even during Sweetie’s trial, had gone over the edge!