Written 7 August, 2011
Sensei Cheyenne Instructs a Newbie in the Ways of Second Life
"Please, Sensei Cheyenne, how can I change my avatar?"
"The ways of the Advanced Mode are passing strange. To get there, you must first die."
"Yes, the big X at the upper right of your screen. You must embrace it. When you come back, you will choose the Advanced Path, and your inventory will appear to you."
"Thank you, Sensei."
"Oh, my wise and ancient mentor, I cannot see my avatar."
"You are following the Way of the Cloud. I have for you an ancient scroll that will give you the wisdom to return to your virtual corporeal body."
"What does rebake mean?"
"Oh, Sensei Cheyenne, how will I get Lindens?"
"You must choose between two paths-- the Way of the Bank Card and the Way of the Second Life Job."
"How will I know the correct choice?"
"You must listen to your heart. Does it tell you to spend long hours at a make-believe job making three Lindens an hour or does it tell you to transfer a few dollars in and live like a prince?"
"Uh, the job?"
"You have made a wise choice, grasshopper. Now you must log out of Second Life and drive to my house and mow my lawn. The Lindens will be awaiting you when you finish."
"Oh, great and wise Cheyenne, I think I am in love."
"This one is already taken, my child."
"No, no, no, with HugeBreastsNoBra Resident."
"And is this avatar in love with you?"
"Yes, she is. She told me so."
"No, Sensei. In chat. Should I tell her I love her?"
"You must first clear things with this avatar's real life wife."
"Oh, wise master, I am now a vampire."
"We are an equal opportunity dojo. Vampires are accepted, so long as they can pay."
"Cheyenne, my sensei, which viewer should I use?"
"You must consider carefully. Consider Phoenix. Phoenix rises from the ashes of Emerald and lives again. And soon it will die again, broken by the advent of the Age of Mesh."
"So I should use Phoenix?"
"I did not say that. Then there is Firestorm. Many hands had a hand in its creation, many hands struggle to move it beyond the realm of beta, to the land of official release."
"Okay, Firestorm it is, then."
"Then there is Kristen's Viewer. And Imprudence. And text-only viewer. And others."
"But which one should I choose, sensei?"
"You must walk the lands of Second Life with each of these contenders. Only then will you know the viewer that is right for you."
"And Viewer 2?"
"Grasshopper, you disappoint me. Have we not spoken of Viewer 1? How can you see your opponent when the entire right side of your screen is filled by a huge window? How can you keep track of your enemies when the windows on your screen remain opaque when inactive? How can you be smexy when your skin has built-in tightie whiteys?"
"On, Sensei, please forgive me. I did not know."
"Do you see the woman behind me?"
"The stylishly-dressed ninja with the jeweled katana?"
"The very one. Sensei Sweetie will be your new instructor. Go with her now. She will teach you advanced techniques like Crane on a Wireframe and the Lotus Derendering Position. You will learn to see things far away and will be able to make yourself invisible to others."
"You mean like Disable Camera Constraints and alpha masking?"
"We say Eye of the Falcon and Spirit in the Wind, but yes. Now go with Sweetie. When you return I will show you The Way of the Infinite Prim."