Saturday, September 26, 2009

Earth is Different

Written 26 September, 2009

Earth is Different

"But computers are stupid," said Sweetie.

Of course, Sweetie's only experience with computers had been in Second Life, where laptops are carried around by newbies to replace their typing gestures. Having spent the entirety of her existence INSIDE the computer, she had little idea how useful they could be.

"Earth is different," I said. "Here you can use computers for all sorts of useful stuff."

"Like what?" she asked dubiously.

"Well, look here. This is a website called eBay. Here you can buy all sorts of things at auction. Sometimes the deals are-- DON'T PUSH THAT KEY!"

It was too late. I had bought a 1996 Mazda Miata.

"And it's in Florida!" I said. "I'm going to have to fly down to get get it."

"Oh, flying!" Sweetie gushed. "I love to fly! Let's go!" She jumped into the air and looked disappointed when gravity pulled her back to the ground."

"Uh, flying is a bit different here," I said. "We have to buy tickets. Then we have to pack. Then we have to drive to the airport. Then we have to go through security."

"The Teleportation Security Administration!" she shrieked. "I hate those bastards!"

And well she should, since they had once descended upon our home in Second Life and led her away in virtual handcuffs.

"These guys are worse," I said. "They make you take your shoes off!"

"I'd like to see them try," she said menacingly.

"But look on the bright side," I said. "You can now carry up to three ounces of liquids."

"Do they have a rule against explosive lipsticks?"

"I'm afraid so," I said.

"Then I'm not going," she said.

"But Sweetie," I said. "This place is new to you. There's no telling what might befall you while I'm away."

"I'm ready for anything," she said, drawing her katana from its sheath. "What's this?" She was looking at the blade, her face in "I'm Not Amused" mode.

"It's rust," I said. "Oxidation of the steel. It's one of the pleasures of living on Earth."

"Ick!"

"Just polish it with a soft cloth and apply a little oil," I said. "And don't carry it in public."

"I have to defend myself from the natives," she said.

"Just stay at home and watch TV," I said. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

And that's the story of why I have to leave here on Monday and fly to Florida.

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