Monday, October 12, 2009

Sweetie's Secret Secret Mission

Written 12 October, 2009

Sweetie's Secret Secret Mission

When Sweetie told me she had to drive to Washington, D.C., I of course assumed she was on a secret mission.

She's almost always on a secret mission. You know the drill. Smuggle English throwing scones to the troops in Afghanistan. Kidnap and shave Taliban fighters (she says it makes for a better fashion statement). Knock out a North Korean nuclear reactor with exploding lipsticks. Have Karl Rove stuffed and mounted.

But it turns out her mission that Monday was so secret she couldn't tell even me.

Fortunately, I had hidden a clever little listening device in her purse; it was disguised as a compact.

I shouldn't have bought it at Radio Shack. Transmissions were garbled. This is the best I can reconstruct what she said. I have presented it in Second Life IM format. I think she was dictating a mission report to someone-- but then she often refers to herself in the third person, so who knows what was going on in her head...

Sweetie: First, you must understand this is top secret and you shouldn't be listening to it, whoever you are. I'm watching you! Second, this is NOT Sweetie talking. You are absolutely mistaken if you think it is.

Sweetie: Day 1219 since rez day. Mission report.

It was going splendidly.

Sweetie: Security was tight.

Sweetie: but Sweetie cammed into mission control, found a seat, and sat in it.

Sweetie: She smiled blandly at the controller next to her and gestured to the tag on her security pass.

Sweetie: "Lunar aesthetics coordinator," she said. "Special assignment."

Sweetie: What is the Department of Lunar Aesthetics?

Sweetie: Oh, we just tweak things slightly here and there to keep the big picture in mind.

Sweetie: What big picture?

Sweetie: So happy you asked. Over the course of the next twenty or so missions we have a top secret conspiratorial plan approved at the highest levels...

(by which Sweetie means she consulted with and was approved by herself.)

Sweetie: carve, stomp, mine, bomb, and burn a giant smiley face into the moon.

Sweetie: Think of it as a cosmic Easter egg for young NASA fans everywhere.

Sweetie: So for all you who think the lunar bombing was in fact a dud

Sweetie: just be patient.

Sweetie: It was only a first strike for lunar perfection made by Sweetie in her galaxy-wide tweak.

Sweetie: Coming soon to a universe near you.

Sweetie: The stylist for this mission must go. Absolutely nobody commented on Sweetie's evening gown. This is a dismal failure for the Sweetie division of our public relations department.

Sweetie: Yes, the controllers had been up all night, but that's hardly an excuse not to notice Sweetie.

No comments: